From Primary Parent to Parenting Partners: Building Equity at Home
By Sarah Benitez-Zandi LCSW
In many families, even those with two involved and loving caregivers, an unspoken pattern often emerges: one parent becomes the "default," the "go-to," what social media has dubbed the primary parent.
Sometimes this dynamic is intentional—born out of parental leave policies, breastfeeding demands, or work schedules. But other times, it evolves quietly and unintentionally. Tasks start to default to one parent. Decisions get made by habit. One partner becomes the hub of information, while the other is looped in after the fact.
And slowly, the imbalance grows—not just in tasks, but in emotional weight, resentment, and disconnection.
When One Parent Becomes the System
When one person holds all the "parenting knowledge"—from pediatrician updates to school calendars to nighttime routines—it doesn’t just create exhaustion for them. It creates isolation for the other parent.
Without access to the same information, they may feel unsure how to help, hesitant to step in, or even criticized when they try. Not because they don’t care, but because they’ve been left out of the loop, however unintentionally.
This dynamic can become a source of:
Miscommunication
Frustration or micromanaging
Emotional distance between parents
Reduced confidence in the non-primary parent
Marital conflict and breakdown
While these things are somewhat born from my own opinions and experiences both personally and professionally: The Research Backs It Up
A study by the Pew Research Center found that while mothers still carry more of the emotional and logistical parenting load, fathers who feel involved and informed report higher satisfaction in their role and closer relationships with their children (Pew, 2015).
Research in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that co-parenting quality is one of the strongest predictors of family well-being, especially when both parents are aligned on discipline, values, and routines (Feinberg et al., 2012).
The concept of maternal gatekeeping—when one parent (often unintentionally) limits the other’s involvement—has been shown to undermine coparent efficacy and fuel long-term strain (Allen & Hawkins, 1999).
A Note on Willingness and Control (because I want to acknowledge that sometimes these things are not unintentional)
This conversation assumes that both parents desire to be equally involved in raising their children and are open to building a shared, equitable dynamic. That’s the ideal—but it’s not always the reality.
Sometimes, one partner is eager to create more balance, while the other resists stepping up, avoids emotional labor, or remains checked out. In those cases, it’s important to remember:
You can’t force someone to do or be what they are not ready or willing to become.
We have no control over the actions of others. What we do have control over is our own boundaries, expectations, and the way we choose to show up in the relationship.
If you're finding yourself doing all the work to create equity and getting little in return, it may be time to have deeper conversations—or to seek support around how to navigate that imbalance in a way that protects your well-being. (This is a topic for another blog. . . so check back soon)
From Divide & Conquer to Unified Leadership
For a family system to thrive, both heads of household need to be on the same team, not playing in parallel.
This means:
Making time to talk regularly—not just about the kids, but about your goals, stress levels, emotional needs, support systems, and dreams
Sharing information proactively so both parents can show up confidently
Aligning on values and household decisions to create consistency and clarity
Letting go of perfectionism or control that blocks shared responsibility (aka not expecting the other parent to parent the way you do)
What Equity Really Looks Like
One parent might still take on more physical labor some days—but there is trust, respect, and communication about that.
The other parent knows how to jump in when needed—not just where the diapers are, but when the last nap was, or how bedtime usually goes.
Both parents are seen, heard, and supported—as individuals, not just roles.
This isn’t about splitting everything 50/50 every day. It’s about valuing both partners equally, ensuring access to the full picture, and honoring each other’s need to feel capable and connected. If you want to hear a bit more about why 50/50 is not realistic, I recommend checking out this video from Brene Brown to get a bit more insight https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfL4RTuC9Bk
Something to Keep in Mind
If you’ve found yourselves falling into the "primary parent" trap, you’re not alone—and you’re not failing. But it may be time to take a step back and ask:
Are we building a family system that thrives on shared understanding, or one that relies on one partner running the ship alone? or Are we both okay with the family system we are building, and is it sustainable for the people involved?
Because when both parents are informed, empowered, and aligned, the household runs smoother, the children feel more secure, and the partnership itself becomes stronger.
Start with one conversation. One shared calendar. One moment of asking—not assuming—what your partner needs.
You're building a team. Make sure you're on the same side. When one of you is winning, the other one is winning.
Are you struggling with relationship dynamics? We’re here to help.
Email us at referrals.mmhc@gmail.com to get matched with a therapist/coach who can help your family thrive—together.