When No Longer Engaging Is the Healthiest Choice
By Sarah Benitez-Zandi LCSW
There comes a time in life when the healthiest, most grounded decision we can make is to simply stop engaging. It’s not about drama. It’s not about blame. It’s about recognizing when a situation, relationship, or role no longer aligns with who we are or who we’re becoming.
We outgrow people.
We outgrow patterns.
We even outgrow parts of ourselves.
This isn’t failure—it’s growth.
Boundaries Aren’t Walls—They’re Doors You Choose to Close or Open
When you set a boundary, you’re not shutting people out, and you are not trying to control others. You’re choosing what energy, behaviors, and relationships you allow into your space. You are letting others know what you are willing to participate in. Sometimes, the decision to no longer engage is a boundary rooted in deep self-awareness and self-respect.
It can mean:
No longer participating in communication that feels one-sided or hostile
Choosing not to explain yourself to someone who’s already made up their mind
Refusing to continue cycles that drain your energy or diminish your sense of self
Attempts at repair and communication should always be made when safe and appropriate—not via text, but through intentional, real-time connection. Phone calls. Face-to-face conversations. Meaningful space to hear and be heard. But if clarity still doesn't come, or mutual respect remains absent, disengagement may be the only respectful option left—both for yourself and the other person.
Grief and Letting Go
Choosing not to engage doesn’t mean you don’t care. It doesn’t mean you never did. There’s often grief in these decisions—grief for what was, what could’ve been, or the version of a relationship you hoped would exist.
But grief and boundaries can coexist.
You can mourn the connection and recognize it no longer serves you.
You can wish someone well and walk away.
You can feel hurt and still not return to the same dynamic.
Everyone Isn’t Your 2 AM Person
In life, there are acquaintances—people you see occasionally, share laughs with, maybe work or parent alongside.
And then there are your 2 AM people—the ones who show up, who carry your pain when it’s too heavy, who pour into you without keeping score.
It’s important not to confuse the two. It is also important to make sure that your 2am person, also views you as a 2am person. The energy you give should match the energy you receive a majority of the time (it is natural to have ebbs and flows).
You don’t owe your emotional labor to everyone.
You don’t have to explain your boundaries to acquaintances.
And you are not required to meet demands that others wouldn’t be willing or able to meet for you.
Outgrowing Isn’t a Betrayal
Sometimes we’re just in different life stages. One person is healing, the other is avoiding. One is becoming a parent, the other is chasing new freedom. One is prioritizing peace, the other is thriving in chaos.
That doesn’t make either person wrong or bad. It just makes you… different. Or at a minimum in different places.
You can release people with compassion.
You can let go without resentment.
You can wish someone well from a distance.
These things situations also don’t have to be permanent. 2am people may become acquaintances for a season or a maybe a lifetime, and acquaintances may become 2am people for a season. Life is fluid and the only thing guaranteed for most of us is change.
Final Thoughts
Disengaging isn’t about being cold. It’s about preserving your energy, protecting your peace, and honoring your growth.
If something or someone continually requires you to abandon yourself—your needs, your time, your wellness—it’s okay to stop showing up in the same way.
You are allowed to evolve.
And sometimes, evolution requires separation.
If this message resonated with you, you're not alone. Life transitions can be overwhelming—but you don’t have to navigate them by yourself.
We’re here to support you through whatever season you’re in.
Email us at referrals.mmhc@gmail.com to get connected with a therapist who can help.
And if you know someone who might need to hear this too, feel free to share it with them. You never know who’s quietly struggling.