Why We Keep Picking the Wrong People: When Love Starts to Feel Like a Loop

By Sarah Benitez-Zandi LCSW

Ever find yourself thinking, “Why do I keep ending up with people who can’t give me what I need?” Maybe you’ve joked that you have a “bad picker,” but deep down, it doesn’t feel funny. It feels exhausting.

For those of us who tend to people-please, struggle with codependency, or attach quickly, relationships can start to feel less like connection and more like a cycle we can’t quite break. We tell ourselves this time it’ll be different. But often, we’re choosing people based on their potential instead of their reality; or maybe we are choosing what we think is different and different does not always mean better — and that’s a dangerous trap.

Love That Feels a Lot Like Addiction

Let’s talk about something that isn’t always obvious: unhealthy or toxic relationships can mimic the same patterns as addiction.

We chase the highs—those moments where things feel amazing or we feel seen. And we endure the lows—because we think if we just love harder, try more, or fix ourselves a little bit more, things will change.

But that cycle? It’s designed to keep us stuck:

• We crave connection.

• We get crumbs of affection or change.

• We invest more time, more energy, more hope.

• We ignore the reality because we’re attached to the story we’ve built in our heads.

When “Bad Pickers” Are Really Wounded Parts of Us Calling the Shots

Here’s the truth: most of us aren’t choosing the wrong people on purpose. We’re acting from patterns that feel familiar. Maybe it’s how love felt in childhood—unpredictable, conditional, or something we had to earn. We repeat what we don’t repair.

There’s even a psychological theory that supports this—repetition compulsion—where we subconsciously recreate situations that mirror early pain in an effort to “get it right” this time. (Spoiler alert: it rarely works until we do our own healing first.)

So, What Happens Next?

When you’re stuck in this kind of dynamic, one of a few things typically happens:

1. You both do the work.

If both partners are willing and able to look at their own patterns—through therapy, open communication, and real change—there’s a chance to build something healthy. It’s not easy, but it’s possible.

2. You grow—but in different directions.

Sometimes, you both get healthier... and realize you don’t actually want the same things anymore. That’s okay. It still counts as growth.

3. One person wants change, the other doesn’t.

This one hurts. You see what’s possible. You’re doing the work. But your partner refuses to meet you there. Then you have to make the hardest decision: can I live with things staying the same? Or is it time to let go? Recognizing that no matter which path you choose, it will be hard and scary. One path means things likely will not change, and the other gives you the ability to potentially build a different life.

4. Neither person takes responsibility.

This is the stuckest place of all. No one’s looking inward. No one’s owning their part—not even the part where we keep ignoring red flags or making excuses for behavior that, deep down, we know isn’t okay. These or those relationships that usually end up making one or both partners “look crazy” or behave irrationally and the outside world is left wondering why you two are still together.

What It Takes to Break the Cycle

Real talk? You don’t break this cycle by finding “the right person.”

You break it by becoming the version of you who:

• Knows what healthy love looks like.

• Trusts your gut instead of silencing it.

• Sets boundaries without guilt.

• Sees red flags and walks away, not leans in harder.

You break the cycle by healing the parts of you that once believed love meant proving your worth, fixing others, or sacrificing yourself. This may mean with your current partner if they are willing, or by walking away from the relationship that no longer serves you and staying single while you finally prioritize healing yourself and working to become the person you’ve tried to be.

It Doesn’t Mean You’re Broken

And if you’re reading this and thinking, “I’ve been that person” or “I am that person”—I want you to hear this: you’re not broken. You’re human. You’re learning. And you can absolutely unlearn the patterns that don’t serve you.

Behavioral theories don’t say you’re doomed. They say: unless we change something, we’ll keep doing what we’ve always done and keep getting what we have always gotten. But you can choose something new. You can grow into someone who doesn’t have to beg for bare-minimum effort or feel like love is a performance.

Where do you go from here?

If you’re stuck in a relationship that feels more like a loop than a partnership, take a breath. You’re not alone, and you’re not crazy. Love shouldn’t leave you feeling like you’re never enough.

Start with this: What part of me keeps choosing this? What part of me needs healing?

That’s where the work begins. That’s how you start choosing differently. And that’s how you begin to build the kind of love that feels safe, mutual, and real.

Want to talk more about these patterns or explore them in therapy? I love to help you start untangling them. Because the healthiest version of you deserves to be in relationships that don’t hurt.