The Myths of the “Happy New Parent”
PMH-C Training Reflection – Class 1: Overview of Perinatal Mood & Anxiety Disorders
Written by: Sarah Benitez-Zandi, LCSW
When people picture new parenthood, they often imagine soft blankets, sleepy smiles, and the kind of happiness that glows. The “new parent” narrative we grow up with is one of joy and wholeness — the story where everything finally clicks into place.
But the truth? For many, that version feels impossibly far away.
Behind the congratulations and “you must be so happy” messages, countless new parents are struggling — some quietly, some desperately. They’re smiling for photos while fighting panic attacks, crying in the shower so their partner doesn’t hear, or wondering why they can’t feel the connection everyone promised would come so naturally.
I’ve walked beside a lot of people in that space — and I’ve been there too.
Myth #1: “It’s just hormones.”
It’s not just hormones. Hormones shift dramatically after pregnancy, yes — but perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs) are far more complex. They’re influenced by sleep deprivation, trauma, physical recovery, social pressures, isolation, and the simple but profound exhaustion of keeping a tiny human alive.
In my recent training with Dr. Wendy Davis through Postpartum Support International, we discussed that roughly 1 in 7 birthing parents and 1 in 10 non-birthing partners experience depression or anxiety during pregnancy or postpartum.
Those numbers make PMADs the most common complication of childbearing — more common than gestational diabetes or preeclampsia. Yet so many people never hear that statistic until they’re already in crisis.
When we reduce this experience to “just hormones,” we unintentionally minimize real suffering — and that’s often what keeps people from seeking help.
Myth #2: “If you love your baby, you shouldn’t feel this way.”
This one breaks my heart every time I hear it.
I’ve sat across from parents who whisper through tears, “I love my baby so much… so why am I not happy?”
Love doesn’t cancel out exhaustion or depression. It doesn’t undo intrusive thoughts or fix a body that feels foreign. And yet, so many parents — especially mothers — carry a crushing weight of guilt for not being the “happy” parent they thought they’d be.
The truth is, love and struggle can coexist. They often do.
Postpartum depression and anxiety don’t erase love — they make it harder for the brain to feel it. Healing means restoring that connection, not proving it existed.
Myth #3: “If it were serious, someone would notice.”
This might be one of the most dangerous myths.
The reality is that distress often hides in plain sight.
Parents may look “fine” while quietly breaking inside — afraid to speak up because they don’t want to be judged, or worse, seen as unsafe with their baby.
Research by Wisner et al. (2013, JAMA Psychiatry) found that about 22% of postpartum women who screened positive for depression were actually experiencing bipolar disorder — meaning their symptoms looked like depression on the surface but were part of a more complex mood pattern.
Separately, maternal mortality data show that suicide accounts for roughly 5–20% of postpartum deaths, underscoring the seriousness of untreated perinatal mood disorders and the need for timely, compassionate screening.
That’s not just a statistic — it’s a reminder that so many new parents are struggling quietly.
As clinicians, partners, and friends, we can’t rely on someone “looking unwell.” We have to ask. And when we ask, we need to do it from a place of care, not judgment.
Myth #4: “This only happens to mothers.”
Perinatal mental health belongs to everyone in the parenting system. Fathers, partners, adoptive parents, and surrogates can also experience depression, anxiety, or PTSD related to conception, birth, and early parenthood.
In fact, partners often experience symptoms months later — when the world has shifted its focus entirely to the baby.
Perinatal mental health isn’t just about biology; it’s about the entire ecosystem of caregiving, bonding, and adjustment. Everyone who steps into the role of parent deserves support and understanding.
The PSI message captures it best:
“You are not alone. You are not to blame. With help, you will be well.”
Those words aren’t just for mothers — they’re for anyone who has felt overwhelmed, scared, or disconnected while becoming a parent.
Where we go from here
As I start my training toward Perinatal Mental Health Certification (PMH-C), I keep thinking about how often we glorify parenthood while minimizing its impact.
We tell people to “soak it all in” — but we rarely ask how they’re actually doing.
Parenthood changes everything — your body, your identity, your relationships, and your sense of safety in the world. Pretending it’s all bliss doesn’t help anyone heal.
What helps is honesty.
What heals is connection.
And what saves lives is remembering that struggling in parenthood isn’t a failure — it’s a human experience that deserves care, not shame.
If you or someone you love is struggling:
You are not alone.
Postpartum Support International Helpline: 1-800-944-4773
Text “HELP” to 800-944-4773 (English) or “TEXT EN ESPAÑOL” to 971-203-7773