Discernment Counseling

When one of you is leaning out and the other is fighting to stay in.

Sometimes couples arrive at a point where they aren't asking the same question anymore.

One partner may be wondering:

“Is there enough here for me to stay?”

While the other is asking:

“What can we do to save this?”

Trying to begin traditional couples therapy from those two very different places can leave both people frustrated. One partner may feel pressured to recommit to a relationship they aren't sure they want. The other may feel like they are trying desperately to repair something while their partner has one foot out the door.

This is what is sometimes called a mixed-agenda couple.

Discernment Counseling was created specifically for this moment.

It is a structured, short-term process designed to help couples gain greater clarity and confidence about the direction of their relationship before deciding what comes next.

Discernment Counseling Is Not Couples Therapy

Traditional couples therapy generally begins with a shared goal: we want to work on this relationship.

Discernment Counseling does not require you to have that answer yet.

The immediate goal is not better communication, rebuilding intimacy, or repairing the marriage.

It is to slow down a decision that can have enormous consequences and create space for each person to better understand:

• What happened to the relationship

• How you arrived at this point

• What each person has contributed to the problems

• Whether those patterns could realistically change

• What direction makes the most sense from here

This process does not assume that staying together is the right answer.

It also does not assume that ending the relationship is inevitable.

The Three Paths

Discernment Counseling helps couples consider three possible paths.

Path One: Stay As You Are

You are not ready to make a significant change to the relationship right now.

This does not necessarily mean the relationship is repaired. It means choosing not to move toward divorce or an intensive effort at reconciliation at this time.

Path Two: Move Toward Separation or Divorce

You decide that ending the relationship is the direction you want to pursue.

Discernment Counseling can help you reach that decision with greater clarity, but it is not divorce mediation or ongoing divorce counseling.

Path Three: Commit to Couples Therapy

You both make a genuine commitment to a defined period of couples therapy and take separation or divorce off the table during that period while you work seriously on changing the relationship.

Path Three isn't choosing to stay together forever.

It is choosing to give the relationship a meaningful attempt at repair before making a final decision.

There Isn't a “Good” Path

The purpose of discernment isn't to convince the leaning-out partner to stay.

And it isn't to prepare the leaning-in partner to accept divorce.

My role is to hold space for both realities without aligning myself with either person's preferred outcome.

The leaning-out partner gets room to understand what has brought them to the point of considering leaving.

The leaning-in partner gets room to examine themselves and the relationship without spending the entire process trying to persuade their partner to stay.

And both people are invited to look honestly at their own contributions to how the relationship arrived here.

The goal is not a particular decision. It is a more thoughtful one.

How Discernment Counseling Works

Discernment Counseling follows a structured, time-limited process rather than the open-ended format of traditional couples therapy.

Sessions include time together as a couple as well as significant individual time with each partner.

That structure matters.

The leaning-in and leaning-out partners usually need different things from the process, and individual conversations allow us to work with those differences without turning every session into another debate about whether the relationship should continue.

We continually return to the same larger question:

What have you learned that gives you greater clarity and confidence about your next step?

Discernment Counseling is intentionally brief. It is not designed to become indefinite relationship therapy.

What Happens After Discernment?

That depends on the path you choose.

If you choose to remain where things are for now, the discernment process ends without requiring another service.

If you decide to separate or divorce, I can help you think through appropriate next-step resources, while remaining clear that Discernment Counseling itself is not divorce mediation.

If you both choose to make a genuine attempt at repairing the relationship, we can transition into couples therapy.

Because my practice offers both discernment and attachment-focused couples therapy, there can be continuity between the decision-making process and the deeper relationship work that follows when Path Three is chosen.

My couples work incorporates Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT), Imago-informed work, trauma-informed and somatic approaches, and Couples EMDR when clinically appropriate.

Discernment Counseling May Be a Fit If...

One of you is seriously considering ending the relationship while the other wants to preserve it.

You have talked about separation or divorce but haven't made a final decision.

Traditional couples therapy feels premature because you don't share the same goal.

You've tried couples therapy before, but one partner was never fully committed to working on the relationship.

Or you recognize that this decision deserves more thought than another argument, ultimatum, or desperate attempt to convince one another.

Discernment Counseling is not appropriate for every relationship, which is why I begin with a consultation to determine whether the process fits your situation.

Training & Approach

I have completed specialized training in the Discernment Counseling model developed by Dr. Bill Doherty and colleagues and am currently pending certification in Discernment Counseling.

I follow the structured Discernment Counseling protocol rather than simply incorporating “discernment” conversations into traditional couples therapy.

That distinction matters because mixed-agenda couples require a different approach from couples who have already mutually decided to work on their relationship.

Investment

Discernment Counseling is billed based on the amount of time spent in session.

60 minutes: $235
90 minutes: $352.50

Because Discernment Counseling is a structured process that includes both joint and individual time with each partner, 90-minute sessions are typically used for this work.

The fee is for the session rather than per person.

Trauma Wise Healing is a private-pay practice.